I told you a couple of weeks ago that I had a lot on my mind, and you told me that it was okay to share it. I might regret pushing publish post after I finish what I have to say, but I can't seem to move along with my day, concentrate on work or post about any of the fun things that we have been doing. So here you go...
My husband and I have been trying to start a family for the last 3 1/2 years. I suffer from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome {PCOS}, have miscarried, had an ectopic pregnancy {where I lost a tube} and have been seeing a reproductive endocrinologist {fertility specialist}. We have been keeping it quiet because I didn't want to have to explain anything, talk about it, or be disappointed when it didn't work out. What???? Like not talking about it was really going to keep me from being disappointed? I have prayed hard about this, but by talking about this maybe I can get other people to pray for us too? I don't know, maybe writing about it will make me feel better or maybe it will help someone else who is going through this? I might just be a mess because of all of the hormones they have pumped into my body. Another month with the big 'ole negative sign. I detest that negative sign. It is my nemesis.
Here's what I'm mad about. I went to get a PG test at CVS this morning because I thought that the ones that I took Friday night and Saturday morning just had to be wrong. In line in front of me were a young couple buying a box of PG tests who looked to be unmarried and unfit to be parents. Now, I know that I should not judge who should be parents, but they did not look like they had any business with a child. You just know that they went home and THEIR test was positive. I ,unfortunately, went home to a negative test. Bitter. Why does it seem that the people who have no business having children are the ones who can reproduce over and over again without any problems? It doesn't seem fair.
When I was talking to a friend about it this afternoon, she said that it seems like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it does. She's right. I have a lot of things that have happened to me through the years. Way too many things for one post, but maybe my therapy is going to be to get it all off my chest. Right now, though, "I'm mad today...it doesn't seem fair" is all I have to say.
